PARNASSUS ??? The international poetry crisis worsened today as imaginations seized up across the globe and the value of metaphors fell for the third straight day. Authorities, fearing that a run on memory banks could worsen the situation, sought to reassure consumers that the supply of both rhyme and meter remained strong. Yet a gathering of poets laureate in Davos, Switzerland failed to produce an agreement on the underlying issues that have rocked the poetry world in recent weeks.
“We cannot get past the anxiety of influence,” one participant in the talks observed on condition of anonymity. “Our debt to Milton simply can’t be ignored.”
Crowds of angry readers marched on bookstores in Bloomsbury, on the left bank of Paris, and in Iowa City, chanting against the arbitrary line break. Police broke up the crowds by reading from several recent dissertations on the poetics of postmodern narrative. Charges of police brutality have been filed.
“We will not tolerate public displays of textuality,” said one government official. “These people have to learn that free verse isn’t free.”
Hoarding has begun in many college towns as access to easy poetry has dried up. “My professor has stacks of poetry on the floor of her office,” one student reported. “She’s loaning it out to students who show interest.”
Officials predict that interest rates will only continue to rise as the world sinks into depression. “We’re ready to invest in a new economy of expression,” said one weary banker. “After all, what else have we got?”