At Tuesday night’s debate, Tom Brokaw asked our candidates to take on The Bush Doctrine— and to give us The McCain and Obama Doctrines. (McCain seems either to want to talk or walk softly while carrying a big stick, as per Teddy Roosevelt’s instructions). Their answers seem fine. But let’s get some alternatives.
The Palin Doctrine: Wink softly, carry a big stick.Think about it. You turn your head a little and wink, you don’t have to be loud. You can leave your stick back in Alaska, where there are already a lot of sticks (I mean, what do people think, there aren’t sticks in Alaska? It’s not as if they don’t have sticks in Alaska just like we do down in the elitist “continental US”). You don’t even have to be treated with respect by a mainstream network skit comedy television show. People can even use that no-sound button thingy on the remote (The First Dude calls it the Button to Nosound) and they’ll still get it: you’re winking. You just turn your head a little. Oh, and don’t forget: after that, wink.
The Caray Doctrine: Talk loudly, Harry Caray. Think about it: that guy was always so loud, and people loved him even though the Cubs always lost. They listened to him sing Take Me Out To the Ballgame, even though he had a raspy voice. And even though you can’t, as McCain reminds us, trust a Chicago politician. Or really anyone who’s from or has been to Chicago. Plus, here’s a question: With today’s medical technology, how hard could it be to resurrect him? Answer: Not hard. I think we could probably even do it with some rope, a car battery and a couple ribbed condoms (I’ll explain later). Then, we could invite Ahmadinejad to talk with only one precondition: Harry Caray! And if the condoms and rope didn’t work, we could use Iran’s nuclear reactors. I mean, they have almost 4,000 now, and I’m sure they’d be willing to share, like, one– to resurrect one of our most storied announcers.
The Woody Allen Doctrine: Talk loudly, carry on a big schtick. It is a truth universally accepted that a Jew in early senescence should kvetch as he likes. Woody Allen took this on at an early age, when, as he might say, as a prepubescent homunculus he found in Brobdignagian fashion the kind of teleological predestination Catholics generally reserve until after rigor mortis sets in. Then again, if we sent Woody Allen to the UAE, we’d be lucky if he found his way to the slots room at the Burj Dubai.
The Doctrine Doctrine: Walk softly, carry out a vote. All doctrines need little more than a preemptive export of democracy. So it’s easy enough: let’s put it to a vote. If all the doctrines of voting age decide they want a doctrine, they’ll let their voice be heard– no measure of dioxin, no Al Qaeda plot, no leveling of Grosny, no massive outpouring of popular distaste against settlements that constitute illegal occupation will stop the Doctrine Doctrine. Doctrine.