With the possible collapse of our democracy within sight, it seems crazy to spend time writing about rhyme. (Really, I should be on a bus to Ohio or Florida.) But I’ve been thinking about rhyme today, and about the ridiculous number of hours I’ve spent rhyming names like Trump and Pence and (to a lesser extent) Clinton and Kaine. It’s been like a part-time job, without pay or benefits. And I’ve been thinking, again, about the efficacy of satiric poetry, and wondering how often, if ever, a few lines of verse have changed a single vote. Still, you dance with the one that brung you, so I’m going to use my modest platform here to say a few things about the election in the form I know best: the rhyming squib.
Trump, of course, is an easy name to rhyme, as these four examples make clear:
KEY DIFFERENCE
I wouldn’t lump
Trump
in with Hitler and Mussolini.
Trump’s hands are littler. (They’re teeny.)
*
RUMOR
Trump
wants to hump
a meerkat!
I hear people saying that.
*
NO THANK YOU
The KGB.
Ennui.
A microwave.
An open grave.
A penis pump.
Donald Trump.
*
LET’S IMAGINE
Trump’s
sneaky Vice-Prez
dumps
Trump for Ol’ Ez,
harbinger of blight.
Pence-Pound! Funny, right?
*
That last poem brings us to Mike Pence, another favorite of the rhyming circle:
CONTEXT
Mike Pence
is like one of those white-haired gents
you might speak with briefly in a grocery line.
With nuclear codes he’d be horrifying. But at Kroger he’d be fine.
*
ALT-RIGHT MESSAGE BOARD
The Third Reich! Word! Mike Pence is on it like white paint on a picket fence.
*
WHAT’S PENCE WORTH?
Henceforth, nothing—
he’s cashed in his chips for a few drops of Scotch
and what Sting once called “a humiliating
kick in the crotch.”
*
And how about one for the opposing VP nominee?
CAVEMAN CLERIHEW
Tim Kaine!
Him chain
self to Pence!
Say Pence dumb! No brain, no sense.
*
And for the VP runner-up?
#TRUMPPENCE16
Chris Christie’s
pissed! He’s
like a hognose snake
in an earthquake!
He’s like a northern fence lizard
in a blizzard!
He’s like a five-lined skink
in your kitchen sink!
*
And for one of Trump’s several fallen campaign strategists?
WORD HUNT
Paul Manafort
is the sort
of guy
who isn’t shy
about throwing an election,
so long as you crane your neck in his direction
and offer
to empty your coffer.
*
I could keep going with this, but you get the idea. But wait, we haven’t taken up Clinton. No commonly used word (except maybe badminton) rhymes with Clinton. Hyphenation becomes necessary; I have poems with lines like “Hillary Clinton / did a stint un- / dercover as a school-bus driver” and “I’d always considered ‘honest politician’ a misprint un- / til I met Ms. Clinton.” (I know, the trolls will circle around that last one. But I think overall she’s pretty honest.) I haven’t always supported Clinton; I remember listening to her 2014 “Fresh Air” interview and being disappointed:
Hillary Clinton
can take a hint un-
less the hint comes from a Shep Fairey pos-
ter or from Terry Gross.
But she’s a stronger and more progressive candidate today than she was even a couple of years ago. (Thanks, Bernie!) And, let’s remember, she’s running for president against Donald Trump! Again: Donald Trump! One more time: Donald Trump!
So maybe the electorate will come to its senses. Here’s a poem I wrote for Clinton’s 69th birthday:
If you squint un-
til the October skunk cabbage becomes the November lotus,
you’ll see it: Clinton,
POTUS.