1) Actually major in texting under the table.
2) Send rude emails about your grades. Bonus points for bringing your parents into it.
3) Send emails that begin with “yo,” or with no greeting whatsoever.
4) Use huge fonts on everything you hand in. The bigger, the better.
5) Claim that you handed in the assignment even when all signs point to absolutely you didn’t.
6) Sit in the back with your arms crossed looking bored or sleeping or texting.
7) Eat a huge, loud, odoriferous meal all through class, like with silverware. Ask if you can use the microwave in the English office to warm it up.
8) Visibly ogle the test of the student next to you while pretending to be staring thoughtfully into the distance.
9) Loudly bang your things together the second class is over or even five to ten minutes before.
10) Cut class and then be discovered sunbathing on campus, using the class textbook, which you’ve clearly never opened, as a pillow.
11) Talk a lot in class in hugely broad terms to seem like you’ve done the reading in order to sound really smart and knowledgable and fool everyone for sure.
12) Futz around with some kind of plastic wrap for the whole class every class.
13) Confidently utilize websites like christianmingle.com as “scholarly sources.”
14) Come to every class a minimum of fifteen minutes late with an enormous coffee that makes it clear that you chose waiting on the always endless campus Starbucks line over being on-time to class.
15) Start every in-class comment with, “as Sartre said.”