As she puts it herself, Nefertiti Austin “writes about the erasure of diverse voices in motherhood.” This is deeply important work, which is why you need to read her new book, Motherhood So White, right now. In this thoughtful book Austin draws attention to crucial issues often left out of mainstream discussions of motherhood, including the experience of fostering and adopting (and particularly public perception of fostering and adopting Black children), and the way in which the “I” of the motherhood memoir is often assumed to be white. Austin has also helped to usher others into the fostering and adopting process as a former Certified PS-MAPP Trainer, an experience that comes through in the empathy she has for those who are still finding their way to parenthood, which is to say all of us.
Caroline Hagood: You write, “In my new skin as mother of a Black boy, I had to think through how we would navigate a world set up to challenge his very existence.” This is such a powerful way of articulating an unimaginably unjust scenario that needs to be addressed. It’s so important because things can’t change until we articulate these questions. How would you say you’ve come to navigate these issues? What can be done to enact change?
Nefertiti Austin: I’ve used American and World history to address our current climate of violence against Black boys. I try to empower my son with knowledge about the ways in which racism has retarded Black people’s progress in America, and how at every turn we have continued to thrive and overcome. I also spend time talking to both of my children about what is possible. I’m an optimist at heart and encourage them to support their friends, be an upstander and speak up when they see a wrong. I think by training them to raise their voices, they will be ready to face any challenge and help others along the way.
CH: As you put it, “As a writer, I was fighting against white privilege’s erasure of Black parenting perspectives and insistence that the word mother automatically meant white. The denial of voices of color meant our children’s lives did not matter.” What advice do you have for other mothers navigating this same territory?
NA: Black mothers are familiar with being erased in mainstream media, so we pass our stories down to our children and their children. In this way, they know they belong and do matter…to us. By educating them about white privilege, they go out into the world emotionally prepared to succeed. We train them not to be defined by what “they” think, so they can see themselves achieving their goals.
I advise white mothers of Black children not to think that their children are safe from racism, stereotype or violence at the hands of police or vigilantes. In the racially charged climate in which we inhabit, that ugliness will come for them too. But united, white, Black, Latinx, Asian, LGBTQ-IA parents can avoid some of these pitfalls by creating meaningful relationships with each other and raising kind children who celebrate each other’s diverse experiences.
CH: You write about how Black boys have the toughest shot at being adopted because they have been mislabeled as “hyper-masculine.” How does this fit into current discussions of masculinity?
NA: Current discussions of Black masculinity are eerily similar to past discussions of Black masculinity. Black men are still thought to possess superhuman powers, which is an asset on the field or court, but cause for white women to clutch their purses on elevators, cab drivers to keep going, and people to defend racial profiling as “stand your ground” because the music was too loud or the child in the dark hoodie “looked” threatening. Hyper-masculinity hurts little boys, especially Black baby boys whose reputation precedes them thanks to fear, discrimination and myth.
CH: You locate a striking truth in your journey to adopt: “My developing understanding of these birth parents revealed a startling connection: If we judge the parents for their shortcomings, we are actively judging the very children we want to serve.” Can you say more about this? How can we avoid judging in this way?
NA: Children do not ask to be born – that’s a decision made by adults. They also do not ask to be placed into foster care, regardless of health or behavior challenges. I think a public service campaign would go a long way to help people understand that most kids are in the foster care system due to neglect and abuse. Many first (birth) parents were also foster kids or experienced similar trauma and are repeating a vicious cycle. First parents love and want their kids. This type of information would engender compassion for foster kids and their first parents and shift the narrative away from negative judgements of this fragile population.
CH: Ta-Nehisi Coates wrote Between the World and Me, a searing letter to his son in the tradition of James Baldwin’s letter to his nephew contained in The Fire Next Time. Even though Motherhood So White isn’t explicitly a letter to your son (although it contains one), in some ways I read it that way. What message do you have for your son? What message do you have for other adopted children and adoptive parents?
NA: Within my memoir, I wrote a letter to my son detailing my intersectional awakening and reckoning within my racial and feminist self. I wanted him to understand my motive for intentionally adopting a Black boy and how I could not allow the erasure of Black mothers and, by extension, Black children to continue. I used my tool, writing, to hopefully right a wrong, and I believe that his takeaway will be to use his gifts, whatever they are, to cry foul against a system that hurts others.
As for other adopted children of color, I want them to know that race matters. They should be allowed to bask in their cultural diversity and unique identity. Adoptive parents must build community for their kids and support them on their journey to getting to know themselves. Simply loving them is not enough.