It Is Night, in My Study

It is night in my study.
The deepest solitude; I hear the steady
shudder in my breast
–for it feels all alone,
and blanched by my mind–
and I hear my blood
with even murmur
fill up the silence.
You might say the thin stream
falls in the waterclock and fills the bottom.
Here, in the night, all alone, this is my study;
the books don’t speak;
my lamp of oil
bathes these pages in a light of peace,
light of a chapel.
The books don’t speak;
of the poets, the meditators, the learned,
the spirits drowse;
and it is as if around me circled
cautious death.
I turn at times to see if it waits,
I search the dark,
I try to discern among the shadows
its thin shadow,
I think of heart failure,
think about my strong age; since my fortieth year
two more have passed.
Toward a looming temptation
here, in the solitude, the silence turns me–
the silence and the shadows.
And I tell myself: “Perhaps when soon
they come to tell me
that supper awaits,
they will discover a body here
pallid and cold
–the thing that I was, this one who waits–
just like those books quiet and rigid,
the blood already stopped,
jelling in the veins,
the chest silent
under the gentle light of the soothing oil,
a funeral lamp.”
I tremble to end these lines,
that they do not seem
an unusual testament,
but rather a mysterious message
from the shade beyond,
lines dictated by the anxiety
of eternal life.
I finished them; yet I live on.